It’s time to adjust my sails once again. I’m not complaining, every time I make a change I learn and grow. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I’ve reached the point that I can’t avoid it any more. For the past few years my journey has been an inward one. I had to understand the meaning of “It’s an inside job.” Everyone kept telling me that, but I didn’t know what to do with it. How do you fix the inside?! What do I have to do?! It was in the last six months that I realized that I don’t fix that, God does. I have to get out of the way long enough for Him to do it.
So I worked on my relationship with Him and He worked on the inside of me. It is quite an amazing process. Now it is time for me to take action on the outside. Self-care by eating right and taking care of the body God gave me.
I don’t know if you have this problem, my brain remembers that I can run 5 miles, but my body says “Oh hell no!” When I was in my 20’s, if I wanted to drop some weight, I just ran for a week and it was gone. Now I am almost 50 and 80 pounds heavier. Exercise is much harder and I find it difficult to stay motivated.
Here’s a little pictorial history with my weight in each picture. I don’t normally do this, but it’s part of facing myself and being authentic with all of you.
Senior Picture in 1982 – 145 lbs:
My running partner, Angel, 1982, same weight:
Las Vegas 1987, 22 years old, 155 lbs:
I looked back at these pictures a couple years ago and realized that I hated myself even when I was thin. I saw myself as extremely fat. My self-perception is what had to change. I look back on these pictures and wish I knew then what I know now. What I know now is that no man is going to love me enough for me to love myself. I had it backwards. I must love myself, exactly as I am! Today I know there’s beauty in imperfection. I wish I knew that the harm caused me by another person, doesn’t mean that I’m damaged and worthless. I wish I would’ve heard the kind things people said to me, rather than focusing something that I perceived as a criticism.
Today I know I am worthy! I am enough! I am lovable!
These next pictures are after 15 years of working full-time, night school and raising a family, followed by a divorce in 2002.
My dating profile picture in 2002 199 lbs:
Back to dating again 2006 187 lbs:
2008 face shot only 195 lbs:
2010 after completing 3 half marathons during the year prior, 211 lbs:
December 2013, 49 years old, 232 lbs:
I love myself more today at 232 lbs than I did any year prior. I had so much self loathing that at various points I wished I was dead. I struggled and did everything I could to stop the pain. If anyone could just love me enough, if I wore the right clothes, had the right job, lived in the right apartment…nothing was ever right and I was never enough.
July 18, 2010 I decided to do it different, and my life changed, my spirit lightened. Now my focus is to care for myself and not worry about what others think of me. Honestly, I had to turn off my ego and remember that no one, other than me, is thinking of me. I think of me way too much.
Now it is time to…
Give back what has been so freely given to me. Show myself as much compassion as I show others. Part of that process is to nurture myself. Spend time on my hair, make-up, saying kind things to myself, eat right and exercise. To love the body I have been given.
I have been taking baby steps with the meditation, positive internal dialog, and helping others. Now it’s time to add balance to the mix. Balance work, meditation, cooking/eating, exercise, creativity/play, social life, school.
Does anyone know how to do that? I am going to make an attempt at it. I will give you updates, share my struggles and successes.
Your comments, feedback and support are appreciated.